The Squirrel In My Wall

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I am the squirrel inside the wall, just over there

up high in the corner. You hear me late at night

when the quiet is deep.

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You hear me scraping, and moving,

as you fall asleep. You dream you’re falling,

and waking.

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She is the woman you lost because

you said almost when you should have said yes;

He is the man you could have become

had you not become less.

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I am the squirrel inside the wall, just over there

up high in the corner. You hear me late at night

when the quiet is deep.

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I am the squirrel inside the wall

and I am the reason you fall.

Lost & Found 2

And an Administrative Note

Reference the original Lost & Found post: This morning I searched for those same wireless earbuds and realized I may have left them at the gym yesterday. I guess I was dropped on my head a lot as a child. Same item, different gym. Planet Fitness was the first gym, Life Time is my current gym. I called up Life Time late this morning:

“Hi, I was wondering . . .”

“Sure, one moment. Yes, we have an item matching that description. Come and get them!”

Yay! I got them.

This will mean absolutely nothing to you unless you remember the first post.

ADMINISTRATIVE NOTE

ALSO- on an administrative note: I am very busy writing a book about the year I spent in Afghanistan and so I guess my posting has lapsed. But the good news is that after just a few weeks I have 16 Chapters written. I’m really in the right zone for this and am humming with enthusiasm for it; my writing hasn’t stopped but has increased greatly. My goal is to be done by Christmas.

If nothing becomes of it officially when I’m done, I’ll throw it on this blog, but, either way– wish me luck!

Kevin

Living In a Villanelle

No matter where I live, I live alone

and though community should matter more

I only feel at home inside a poem.

I’ve never had a place that felt my own

and always dream I’m sleeping on a floor. 

No matter.  Where I live, I live alone,

and comfort ought to have a proper home―

though distance has its consolate allure. 

I only feel at home inside a poem      

and though I am in places like a stone,

life is moving―and I feel something sure

no matter where I live.  I live alone

with every moment I have ever known,    

and every form of poem becomes a door.

I only feel at home inside a poem,

and when I write I finally am shown

what people mean by home and not before.

No matter where I live, I live alone

I only feel at home inside a poem.

8th Grade

Are you still in 8th grade? We’re about to find out. If you laugh at the following (true) story, you’re still there. If you don’t, I guess you’re a grownup.

Gym class. 8th grade. About 10 or 12 of us boys were standing around the gym near the bleachers. I don’t remember any girls being there. They were probably at the other end of the gym clustered in terror about how they looked in their gym clothes. We should have felt the same way, standing there in our desperately wrinkled little maroon gym shorts and shirts, straight from their pungent little mold lockers. But we were instead playing a game while we waited for gym class to start.

It was a version of ‘Chicken’. One kid would lay down on his back on the gym floor to the side of the bleacher set with his head near the bleachers. Another would walk up a few steps onto the bleachers and jump down, with his gym sneakers slapping down on the gym floor a couple of inches to either side of the kid’s head while usually yelling HYAAA!!! for dramatic effect. The guy on the floor would try not to flinch or, worse, chicken out and move at the last second―which could spell disaster! So, the game could progress with the jumper getting even closer to the kid’s head and/or the jumper could jump from an even higher bleacher step. I think there were 6 tiers to this set of bleacher seats, and maybe at the top it was 5 feet high.

My turn to jump. My friend, let’s call him Andy, was in position below me and I climbed I think to the 5th tier and jumped. Everyone was watching.

As my feet slammed to either side of his head, I, for some reason, forgot to lock my knees and my butt slammed down into his face, wedging his nose firmly between the peach halves of my little 8th grade bum. And, the impact was so great on my intestinal system that it produced an immediate loud and clear blast―the shot heard ’round the gym.

Everyone watching instantly collapsed to the gym floor and began laughing into respiratory distress. I was also laughing, just as hard as the rest, and so much so that I was too weak to stand up and had to roll to the side to get off of poor Andy.

We’re screaming. Andy is still on his back, and now his hands are on his nose, and he’s repeating “OH, my nose, my nose!”

For weeks afterwards we’d all see each other in the hallways and greet each other with “OH, my nose! My nose!”

Anyway.

Did you laugh?

Bellagio

(Beautiful land or landscape. Bella is beautiful, Gio is short for geography.)

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Raff reached into the trunk of his car, lifted blankets aside, and began to carefully pull out his prized folk guitar. He yelled across the campsite clearing to Peter and Jonny:

“Hey, I’ve got a surprise for you guys!”

“What is it? ” Peter said, “Did you bring a rocket with you?”

All three smiled. Rocket-Scientist was what they’d called him in college, and all these twenty years later, the moniker emerged as an opening salvo to their reunion at this gorgeous campsite.  He was known otherwise as Raff, short for his last name of Rafferty.

They were a trio in college, having been tossed into a small house rental- split three ways. They’d got along famously despite arriving from different walks of life: Peter the athlete, Jonny the business kid, and Raff the science guy. But all three were serious about college and they united in that little house, laughing and studying all the way to successful graduations. After that, Peter and Jonny had corresponded occasionally but even that trailed off and they hadn’t seen one another for the last twenty years until Peter had suddenly arranged this camping reunion for the three of them―near Bright Angel Falls at the Grand Canyon, no less!

“No, it’s a guitar!” Raff said, striding to where they stood, proudly showing the stately and elegant guitar to them both, holding it high.

Peter and Jonny stood quiet and surprised.

Finally, Peter said: “You play?”

They were both wondering how Raff could have gotten interested in something so cool; it was a substantial change from what they knew of him. So much so that, despite the declaration, and actual brandishing of a guitar, they were still skeptical.

“What―for how long? Are you any good? Are we getting a campfire song?” said Jonny.

They’d both stopped what they were doing.

Just like Jonny to say that, Raff thought. Jonny was always diminishing things; somehow, he drew strength from it, he would sip on it like brandy when something big was happening. He was like that even with his girlfriend, Kristin, who was at the house a lot. God, what a fetching, sweet girl. And smart, and somehow. . . classy. Jonny never could see what he had in her and would diminish her with little comments as the four of them sprawled around the little house cooking or watching T.V. Jonny seemed to be more concerned with his movie-star looks, his hair, and his preppy-looking sweaters. Raff would support Kristin in these household tiffs, riding in like Don Quixote to rebuff Jonny and Jonny would laugh and Kristin would give Raff a kiss on the cheek. But that little kiss from her, or squeeze of the arm, set his cheeks on fire, and he’d fight to not let it show. But it showed at night in his bed, when he’d stare at the ceiling and dream all over her. In all these twenty years, Kristin had never left the room.

Peter was the rougher of the two, less refined than Jonny, more fun, and more aggressive in his appetites. He played the field with women. When high-speed bicycling became all the rage, Peter became a local celebrity in the college and town circuits and even began to win races. He had a singular focus for long stretches of time, racing, training, eating, sleeping and ratcheting up his engine of lungs and thighs. Raff and Jonny both respected his ability to keep this up while maintaining his good grades.

Raff answered: “Been playing awhile now. Just by myself.”

“Wow. No shit! Let’s hear something!” 

This was a moment Raff had been thinking about. In all the time since college that he’d been playing guitar, he’d never played for anyone else. He’d grown confident in other areas of his life but had never let anyone in on his love of guitar and song. He’d risen quite high in the world of polycarbonates, spearheading his company’s development of strength and temperature tolerances never before seen in plastics and acrylics. This is what Peter and Jonny might have expected of him, of course, but neither would expect him to have music in his soul. But he’d found it. Just after college, his first apartment was above a music store, and one thing led to another. He’d work all day in the labs and come home to his apartment. Nothing with women ever worked out beyond the rare date or two, at the most. There were never any hard feelings―just no real chemistry. This irony wasn’t lost on him. So, he’d come home to his apartment and he’d learned to tell his guitar what loneliness sounded like. Night after night. Year after year.

But he’d never played for anyone before, and so when Pete’s invitation for the reunion came, he’d brought the guitar to have something, something at least, to show for the time. Pete was married, two kids, normal life. Jonny and Kristin had in fact split after college, and Jonny was working on Wall Street somewhere. Married also now, rich, a traveler, four kids.

Raff thought he’d sounded ok on guitar at home, strumming and singing, but you never know. Risking some humiliation here would have scared Raff off twenty years ago, but not now. He was tired.

“OK, I’ll play a song I wrote.” Raff walked to the back of his little dome tent, fussed with his guitar strap, and stood with his back to the burbling of Bright Angel Creek. The sun was behind him. The bent trees and grass were moving easily with the warm breeze. Peter and Jonny had moved closer and sat on a little log bench a short distance away to be a proper audience. They were clearly intrigued.

Raff strummed a minor chord and the notes sprung from the stings: clear, warm, sad and slow. He’d learned to live in such minor chords. A National Park Ranger who was walking a train of donkeys along a narrow trail stopped and looked over. The donkeys looked. Two tents further down the creek, a woman who was adjusting a guy line to her tent stood up and looked in their direction.

He began to play, fell into the song, and, by watching his fret hand, became present to himself.   He was playing like he did at home, as if he were back in his apartment strumming and singing and aching. He finished with a final mournful but playful flourish. He bowed low theatrically, and, as he was rising back up thought to himself “Well, not bad old man, you weren’t that scared after all.”

He rose up to complete silence. Everyone was stopped in the postures he’d last seen them in.  Mouths slightly open. Raff began to stutter “It’s called Bellagio. . . it’s just something about a girl . . . “

Suddenly everyone was talking: “Dude, that was un-fucken-believable!” “Are you kidding me?” “You sound great!” “Oh my God, I want to cry!” “That was -wow-, do you have other songs?!”

Indeed, he did have other songs.  Lots of them.

The donkey lady threw her rope around a tree and walked over. “I was going to ask if you’re somebody” she said with a light laugh, “so, are you somebody?!”

“Maybe,” Raff said. “Maybe.”

That’s how Raff got started. They barely talked about anything else for the rest of the weekend, not even much of an update on Kristin was to be had. She’d married and divorced out east, was the last vague word. So, while Raff played, and sat by the creek with his feet in the water, Peter and Jonny made plans. Peter became a de-facto agent on the spot, and Jonny became the money and business guy.

After the camping trip, they were very soon managing road appearances.  Small venues led to big venues; real agents and accountants were hired. Peter and Jonny became like original groupies while Raff became the new Bob Dylan, the new voice of a newly tortured generation. Bellagio had been pressed into being as a single and was an instant radio hit.    

During this rise to fame, Kristin had reappeared, single.  She is just as pretty, Raff thought, just as nice.  She gushed over his music, his burgeoning celebrity, and she was laughing at all his jokes.  This is the way it should be, he thought, she just never really got to know me back then―otherwise . . . The four of them were in contact regularly now, and it was no small secret that Raff and Kristin were getting quite cozy.  Jonny had let it be known that all was fine and fair, and so no hard feelings about ‘before’ was declared, and the four of them could be seen on tour together quite frequently, with Kristin showing great flair as an ambassador for the group.  Things had turned out funny romantically but they were now all living like royalty and that kind of wealth can drown anything in honey. 

Even, Raff thought, even that one time right before graduation when he’d caught Peter in bed with a young lady in his small, crowded bedroom one Saturday morning. He’d barged in on him very early, thinking Peter was alone, and saw a long naked female leg just visible along the edge of a long red blanket. Peter’s tousled blond curls poked out the top of the blanket and neither body fully awoke before Raff quickly and quietly exited. The next day, Sunday evening, when the three of them were back in the house -Jonny having gone home for the weekend- Raff had made a passing reference to how Peter had gotten ‘lucky’ Friday night, but, oddly, Peter shot a glance at Jonny and denied it. Raff insisted, laughing at Peter’s uncharacteristic denial of conquest. But, again, a serious denial. A strange moment passed with everyone looking at each other. “Why is Peter being so prudish about it” Raff thought and dropped it. Weeks later, he was driving with the windows down when the answer hit him, and he couldn’t make eye contact with either Peter or Kristin for awhile after that.

Raff was on his third album now and becoming an international Superstar.  He was showing some Bono-level gravitas in celebrity circles with his growing charitable efforts towards addressing climate change and Green Party causes.

Jonny was the first to suggest an epic benefit concert and they all ran wildly with the idea. 

Raff had a surprise.  Two surprises actually, but he only told one:  He’d kept his ties with his industry and had long been working with his former company to develop a polycarbonate material strong enough to lay a vast clear ‘glass’ floor over the Grand Canyon at its narrowest point to use as a venue―the most scenic venue in the world―for entertainment events.  They had recently finished testing the material and validating the premise.     

Why not make the maiden voyage of this concept be this benefit concert?   Plans went into motion and the event was planned for the following Earth Day.  It was going to be a coordination behemoth, but the engineering piece had been deemed sound.  The floor was created onsite at the Powell Plateau on the North Rim and would be lifted by Sky Crane helicopters and lowered a short distance away to bridge the 600-yard stretch.  Stress tests had shown that a tank could be driven across, and a ball with four hundred people sitting at tables would be just fine.  The platform would be lifted off afterwards and stored, officially the property of the National Park Service for future event use.  A contagion of generosity resulted in the event running into the black by hundreds of millions of dollars despite the cost of the Ball―platform and all.  It gained further impetus of largesse when Kristin suggested it be a Costume Ball, specifically recreating the famous Vanderbilt Ball of 1883.  That Ball defined who was the ‘in-crowd’ of New York Society at the time and now the Grand Canyon Ball was going to define who was the in-crowd among the Whole World’s Rich.  The top 400 donors would be seated for the festivities seemingly suspended in the sky with decadent food and drink while Raff sent his music to echo across the great divide and up into the heavens.  And, all the while, they’d be saving the planet.

Everybody wanted in on the spectacle and it was to be televised around the world.  Every entertainment medium was devoted to the running list of attendees and what costumes they were preparing.  Getting to the Grand Canyon Ball was the first competition among the celebrities and the wealthy, the second competition was to display wit, currency, and charm through the selection and execution of their outfits.  Fashion designers in Hollywood and the world over were having their Superbowl.   

Of course, many people were scared.  It was soon called The Floating Ball once they decided that even the chairs and tables were to be made out of the clear polycarbonate.  Further, and brilliantly, Raff had suggested that the necessary electrical lines be run underneath, and be designed to appear from above as wild cracks and splits in thin ice.  He designed the exact array of cracks, and even himself had installed the entire electrical network underneath the platform.  “It has to be perfect” he’d said, explaining the various issues with the ‘Joule effect’ and ‘line loss’ over the distances.  You can take the guy out of science, they ribbed, but you can’t take science out of the guy.   

The titillation of fear around the event became a living thing, like the fire of expectation that surrounds children standing in line at a roller coaster.  Lights, noise and fear rush at their little hearts, but they stay in line.  

The day came.

The floor was lowered into place, and Raff himself stepped onto the ice first as the cameras rolled.  He jogged out into the center while the world cheered, he jumped up and down once or twice, and he jogged back.  It was an incredible image; the platform was so clear that he appeared to be running through the sky like a superhero.    

Legions of stage crew and caterers in neat attire went into action for setup of the ball. Everyone laughed nervously as they darted about 3,700 feet above a thin ribbon of Colorado River. They were unable to stop themselves at first from lightly hopping over the ‘cracks’. After a couple of hours, the space was transformed. White linen tablecloths floated in neat rows, adorned with silver, china, hothouse orchids, and gold nameplates. Tens of thousands of flowers sprouted across the platform, arranged in various fairy-tale displays, and fountains of champagne bubbled crisply in the clean air. The orchestra was settling in on each side of the cordoned-off dance floor as the guests began to arrive.

It was one of those resplendent early spring days; and warm enough to be comfortable and cool enough to flirt with exhilaration upon drawing a deep breath.  A sweet tingling of a day.

The guests paraded down a paparazzi-lined red carpet and onto the platform in their costumes and, oh my lord, it was delicious.  The selections were fueled by color, imagination, history, the scandalous and the bizarre―and money had been no object.  Everybody was in high plume.  The feast began and, after a decent interval, Raff went to the podium on the stage.   

He thanked all the appropriate people and entities, promised that the planned Earth Day agenda of speakers and music was about to begin, but first he had a surprise: 

With the eyes of the world upon him, he walked to the center table where Kristin was sitting with Peter and Jonny.  A long-stemmed red rose, a bended knee, a staggering diamond ring―and a YES!

Applause and tears everywhere. 

He told the orchestra to play his own Bellagio song while he whisked Kristin onto the dance floor.   They held each other tightly as they swayed to the slow rhythms, suspended in space and time.  Twitter went wild, and every media entity in the world zoomed in on the too fabulous couple celebrating this commitment of love. 

Kristin was lost in the moment as any princess would be, but Raff was thinking about something else.  He was remembering the only vacation he ever took since college that meant something to him.  He’d gone to Las Vegas and walked by the Bellagio Hotel in the midafternoon, just as the famed Bellagio Fountains spurted into action for a show.  Beyond the normal delight of watching the majestic jets of water dance about and shoot hundreds of feet high into the sky with the music, he could not take his eyes off the top of each fountain as the water hit its peak.  He could see perfectly when the drops of water hit the apex and stopped, suspended in space and time, to hang in that moment after leaving the pull of earth and before gravity repossessed it, to pull it down, down, dropping into the namelessness of the pool and back into invisibility.  At the top, the sun imbued the drops of water with fractured prisms of light and clarity that compelled him to feel.  He’d felt something so strange that he couldn’t shift his gaze from the fountain tops.  That feeling was happiness.  Satisfaction.  Fulfillment.  That’s where I want to be, he’d thought back then.

Other couples were joining them on the dance floor now.

He slid his hand into his jacket pocket and began to trace his finger over the button of a small wireless trigger device.  The device was electronically partnered with receivers in all of the explosives-filled junction boxes arrayed throughout the underneath of the platform. 

That’s where I am now, he thought.

“And that’s where I’ll stay” he said out loud.

Kristin lifted her head dreamily off his shoulder and said “What, honey?”  The song was reaching its crescendo. 

“This” he said.

He pressed the button hard.

Roll With The Changes

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I cook spaghetti in a pan too small. 

I wear ten percent of my clothes. 

I’ve started saving paper bags―

who knows where this goes?

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Maybe I’ll end up old―

supposedly it happens a lot.

I’ll know then, perhaps over soup,

what I am and am not.

.

Meanwhile, I’ll be in my garden

with my fingers deep in the dirt.

I’ll be alright, I guess―

if I could find my favorite shirt.

New Light

I just saw something in a new light, and it made me change my mind about something important.

I was making coffee, and I poured the creamer into the cup first. This is because I can more easily see and control the color of the contents of the cup (I’m also using a clear glass mug) as the coffee is being poured and can therefore watch the perfect coffee-to-cream ratio emerge and stop pouring at just the right time. The perfect color is high art in my life, of course, and I can usually pretty much nail the exact deep caramel color. Squarely between gingerbread and walnut. You know you’ll get the essence of the good coffee taste here in ‘the strike zone’―as they say with reverence in certain hushed circles. Although the creamer is here also and has a little something to say, it knows its place.

So, this morning. I stopped the pour and said “close enough”. It was just a hair under dark enough. I know that seems heretical, my seeming acceptance of substandard color after my fabulous setup of the issue―but there are other calculations at work. The glass was almost full, and, more importantly, the color was close enough to the target color that an adjustment process of adding coffee and/or cream, sometimes back and forth, felt like an unnecessary leveling-up of risk given the totality of the circumstances. This is known in the business as the ‘adjustment-failure rate’, and sometimes one must make some hard choices in order to not court disaster. So, I carefully shepherded the quite-full mug to the couch to open my laptop upon which I’m writing this now.

I could suddenly see that I’d been wrong, that the shade of caramel was indeed too light, and light enough to be beyond the point where I should have taken the risk and added more coffee at the counter when I was pouring.

In retrospect, the kitchen counter area is opposite where the sun comes up and the couch is on the side where the sun is now coming through the windows. This early in the morning, the coffee making area is bathed in soft shadow. On the couch is a more clear early morning light. By late afternoon, this will have reversed. (By the way, it’s not that I live in a giant house. I love my place, but it could best be categorized, size-wise, as a medium to high-end ice-fishing hut.)

Now that I see the light, do I get up after I’m settled into my position to add more coffee to get the right color? Not as simple as you think. I’d have to admit that I was wrong. I’d have to admit that new facts came to light, and that those facts are uncontroverted. And that those facts ought to make any reasonable person think differently. I mean―I see what I see, right?

So, yeah. I made the adjustment.

And nothing disastrous happened.

It’s all been quite humbling, frankly.

But I feel like I’m a better man for it.

After a couple of sips. Pre-adjustment. (P.S.: vote.)

Vacation

He was sitting in his beach chair, the first day of vacation, and he’d dragged his beach chair down near the water. “Christ”, he thought, “it’s so good to not be working. But they’ll probably be calling me with something problematic”, and he felt a jab of anger at that already. He tried to let it pass and was glad the wife and kids were on vacation finally. They were already full-bore in beach mode with sun hats, toys, snacks, and splashing and laughter. Near the restrooms further up, he heard the circus of ice-cream truck music pulling into the small parking lot and children the beach over went into urgent negotiations with parents. He just wanted some rest. There was a skittering of little birds that pecked frenetically at the sand in front of him as the little wavelets licked at their feet and chased them back and forth across the beach. The larger waves breaking a little further out made a steady rumble that might help him drown out the other noises, at least. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about work, but his mind raced with the noise of it. It was as if he were on a large boat at sea and had just left the deafening vibrations of the engine room and was now elsewhere on the boat. The thrum of the engines was still reaching him. He was still on the boat.

On the next day, he was back in his beach chair and happily hadn’t received any emails or calls from work. He knew they all tried to spare vacationers from work contact, but it was so often necessary. A good friend of his had told him not to check his phone while on vacation and the thought of fielding a problem from worked suddenly made him angry again, and, in homage to his friend, and in a fully uncharacteristic pique of recklessness, he reached down and turned his phone off. He felt a silver shot of brave grace his spine and he lifted his floppy sunhat off his eyes to look at his family. He began to assess them in a new way; he tried to see if they looked like happy people. They did. Just now Mom was applying suntan lotion to the littlest one and it was clearly being done with love as a vigorous massage of the little chubby legs involved tickling and giggling. Well, it’s not all been for nothing, he thought, at least. The ice-cream truck came, he dished out money to the kids, and, after a while, he listened as the ice-cream truck drove away. Such a bubbly circus calliope song of ice-cream temptation. He remembered an old joke about people who grew up in poor neighborhoods, as he’d done–that in those neighborhoods the ice-cream truck played ‘Helter-Skelter’. The joke was still funny. And it reminded him that in those days there wasn’t always money for the ice-cream truck. The birds were back today, skittering over the wet sand, occasionally rising in deft little synchronized clouds of surprise as they wheeled to other locations on the beach. He wondered what kind of birds they were. Another beautiful day, and projected as such for the whole week. He’d moved his chair deeper into the water’s edge and now, instead of just washing over his toes, the waves thundered at his feet as they broke and he could feel the cool weight of the water, and its strength. “I hope work’s not trying to get me” he thought. And then he thought “good old cool clean Atlantic Ocean water. . . ”

On the third day, he’d left the phone on a side table in their hotel suite, quite by accident, and they were all back at the beach. There was a little town at the other end of the island, but they’d talked it over the night before and decided to just keep ‘beaching it’ as it was so goddamned convenient and beautiful, and the children remained thrilled. They’d been talking on the little balcony of their hotel room overlooking the beach. Maybe they’d hit the town at the end of the week to get a T-Shirt and some exotic souvenirs for the kids. Mom had even said, glass of white wine held to the moonlight, that she didn’t care if she ever even left that balcony let alone trekked into town, and they both laughed knowingly. He kissed her hard impulsively and the 6-year-old, hanging onto Mom’s diaphanous gown, made the appropriate noises of disgust and embarrassment. So, next day they were back on the beach, the ice-cream truck came and went. He was watching the sandpipers–he’d looked the name up the night before. He was really watching them, now that he was a Wikipedia sandpiper expert. He noticed that the little groups had very precise ‘personal-space’ distances and was watching them rise as people strolled along the shore and neared their little running flocks. The waves were quieter today. He lay back in his chair and let the sun really soak in. He’d been prudently careful of sunburn so far, as they all had, and so everyone was developing a harmless but appealing light tan. He really felt the sun now and was warmed and it moved him. He began to drift into deep thoughts about the ways that the sun was woven into our survival, our history, and he marveled at the astronomical astronomy of it all. He’d wanted to be a teacher and he played out little scenes of being a teacher in his head. Wonderful moments with High School kids, maybe, where a History teacher could open up so much fun knowledge of the history of us and our world. “Teaching history is teaching everything“, he’d said to himself now and again.

On the fourth day, everyone got to the beach late. Same setup, roughly the same place. He played with the kids and taught them the science of drip-castle making and they scoured the beach for things to put up as flags and decorations for the castle complexes. It was fun and cool enough for other vacationers to take pictures of. At one point, there were living sea creatures in the moat systems. He went to the ice-cream truck with the whole family; it was a big expedition to get there, make choices and get back with the brilliant Sun accelerating everyone’s drip vigilance. He noticed that the sandpipers were a community and wondered if they could think. Could they think, and know things? How are they so synchronized? What are they feeling? What are their social setups? He wondered about other animals as well, and then about ocean creatures that might be just yards offshore, or beyond that island, or in the depths of the Marianas Trench. What is the setup among them all? He fell asleep to the tribal drumbeat of the waves for really the first time and his wife let him sleep. She watched over him. The youngest was napping in the shade of a small cheerful umbrella and the other two were coloring, and exhausted from ‘shoulder-fights’ in the surf and maybe near a nap themselves. But the Dad really slept. Pure, flat, clean, dense sleep. When he woke up much later, he felt like he’d stumbled out of a small warp in time. The setting sun, his wife and children all near and safe, the white line of gentle waves: all this came into focus slowly. His wife was watching him climb out of this stupor and was genially amused. She thought for a moment that he looked like when he was younger, before the kids.

On the last day, one of the children had wet the bed, a pair of sandals had apparently been left at the beach somewhere, the middle child was indeed going to be moderately sunburned and the tunafish had been accidentally left out all night so today’s sandwich plan was kaput. “So what?” they all said. We’ll get takeout from the hotel for lunch and the children squealed because they knew the room service menu and were going to exploit it mightily. Mom and Dad had said, “anything you want.” After the fattest lunch, they all still trekked to the ice-cream truck mid-afternoon, and all got something. Then they waited. Once they identified the kids who’d merely lurked, they waved them forward and bought them all ice-cream too. One of their children had noticed some lurkers the day before, kids from the town probably, and asked Mom and Dad what to do. So, this was the answer, and they all embraced this chance to be nice to other people. Their own children glowed. There were no sandpipers on this, the last full day. But the man knew that he’d see them forever. Those little lives, that society, that connection to everything. When the little birds had darted their long narrow beaks in the sand, their little stick feet awash in thin, clean sheets of ocean water, a harmony of land, sea, and sky converged. He was having these crazy thoughts, but he delighted in it. He watched the horizon for quite a while, chatting intermittently with his wife. He asked her what it must have been like to be among the first to strike for the horizon in early sailing history. She knew his penchant for this sort of thing and it was one of the things that attracted her to him. They talked for a long time about some of the early explorers, her takes on things as interesting as his. He eventually settled in for another nap, laid out flat on a towel this time, in the umbrella shade, with his fingers in the sand. He could really smell the sea on the breeze, and he took many long deep breaths with his eyes closed as he stretched out on his towel languorously. Then he began to drift off, and at that moment he remembered something he’d recently read. It was about an oil company’s headquarters on the north coast of Alaska inside the Arctic Circle: “A few years ago, there were three birch trees in an atrium in the building’s lobby. In September, their leaves turned yellow and curled over. Then they just hung there, because the air in the enclosure was too still. No wind. Fall came when a man from building maintenance went in and shook the trees.”

He could really picture this -not the leaves falling- but he could see, really see, the leaves yellow and curled over, hanging in the still air. He felt like he was seeing this for the first time. While he was watching this image, he fell deeper into sleep and all of the scenes of his life began to recede from his mind, being pulled away into the shadows like stage scenery being pulled backward by quiet stagehands in black clothing. The deep warmth of the sun permeated him to his bones. He slept heavy as a plank.